Ok, i'm open to art trades and requests.

The next request thingy is 5000 page views

100% 100% claimed my 750 & my 625..... - Robin Hood it is.... and a space pic.....
95% 100% claimed my 850.... Kingdom Hearts Cloud Strife he also claimed my 1500... and makenshi from Final Fantasy Unlimited
- Just got to get these uploaded now - Scanned just have to upload

Well Hi Guys,
Sorry I haven't been here much at all recently, I hope to be back on here alot more in just a couple of weeks - once I get my internet connection.

Well... First off I suppose I should explain my prolonged absence me thinks... well a piece of music I've heard alot recently sums it up quite brilliantly.
"The path that I'm walking, I must go alone
I must take the baby steps till I'm full grown,
Full grown
Fairy tales don't always have a happy ending do they
And I for see the dark ahead if I stay

I hope you know, I hope you know
That this has nothing to do with you
It's personal, myself and I"
- Big Girls Don't Cry ~ Fergie

To be less cryptic I needed to sort out my perspectives in life and separate what I wanted and what I needed.

As I suspect everyone knows I split with my first serious boyfriend ( )after spending nearly 2 years together earlier this year. - This was a real blow to me, even though I knew things hadn't been right for a long time I cared for him more than he knows. Though I will admit that our relationship if ended 8 months previous to this would probably have been reconcilable. - The terms of this are between me and him and I'll not discuss them, here or anywhere.

When this happened I seemed to lose all perspective in my life, I let myself drift away from all of my friends, lost interest in college and in short fell the short slippery slope into depression. I'd let myself become dependent on one person. The biggest problem was all of our friends seemed to avoid me during this, most I've now reasoned why, namely most people thought I needed to be alone and didn't realise the state I was in, I'd stopped talking to anyone, even my family and just wanted to give up. The two that hurt me most admitted they thought I would come to them eventually but felt they couldn't come to me for fear of hurting Joe, they also had forgotten who I was during the tail end of the relationship because of the arguing I'd turned into some awful creature who was both angry and hurting at the same time. In short I alienated myself from the world and created my own reality of misery and suffering.

A chance meeting on one of my few outing during this time reminded them, and more seriously me of who I really was. I saw Mike and Matt in town, I believe I was on the way to the Library (sad I know) to get something or other. The short time in which we were together I laughed and felt cheerful for the first time since early January, bearing in mind the was mid February. We passed our separate ways without me even realising that was the turning point I’d needed, the point where reality kicked me and reminded me what I’d abandoned. To them it merely reminded me that I could be nice to be around. They then decided that I was nice enough to be around so started inviting me out with them. The first few times I declined, afraid to let anyone back near me, I was afraid of hurting them like I felt I seemed to do.

The most unfortunate thing happened, the one time I decided to accept they asked Joe too. So we all went out, my morale dropped back to nothing and I seemed to lose all confidence the minute he stepped into the car. My presence and his combined transformed what should have been an enjoyable evening into a painful time for everyone, so I asked to be dropped home and left them to enjoy themselves. Much to my surprise under an hour later Mike and Matt called for me again, this time alone and we went out and I enjoyed myself.

We went on going out as Me, Mike and Matt (M, M, and M! Lol) under the week before Valentines Day, when Matt became hostile and later secretive towards me, this added more confusion to my life when my thoughts and loyalties were already being tested. In English, I realised I had feelings for Mike and I was torn between acting on this and holding back - acting on it to see what happened, and holding back due to my fear that I was merely ‘rebounding’, not wanting to betray one of my truest friends (Matt) and losing this oddball friendship the three of us had created. So I kept quiet. Then on a Wednesday afternoon I received a phone call from a distraught Matt saying Mike had told him something, sworn him to secrecy and he didn’t know what to do with himself. I convinced him to confide in me to a certain extent and realised that Mike had confided feelings for me in Matt. - Not the wisest choice it is true going on Matthew’s feelings for him. I spent until the following night when after we dropped Matt home I spoke to Mike and things were admitted and we decided to try a relationship slowly, slowly at first to see if it could work then move on if not. We agreed to meet the next day during the time between when I finished college as I started at 10.30, when he finished at 11.00 and when we had to pick Matt up at 4.00. We went to Weston Super Mare in the worst weather I’d ever seen but had the most enjoyable time I’d had in a long time. This relationship didn’t fizzle out like I think we both expected but grew and grew into something bigger and better that’s still going strong now, far stronger than it was in the beginning.

This though obviously marked the end of the close friendship between Me, Mike and Matt. Matthew couldn’t accept me and Mike becoming an item as he’d ‘loved’ Mike even before. I remember sending a text to Nikita during this period and getting a text back telling me that if he couldn’t accept it then to leave him be he was to spoilt a child to be a good friend. Now, 6 months after the falling out between Mike and Matt that ended their friendship completely and left me in the position in where something once was the truest friendship I’ve had was left hanging by a thread, it still is coincidentally.

That’s what’s happened emotionally since I disappeared, quite a saga in my opinion, hehe.

In the college situation in those weeks I fell too far behind to catch up properly, so I was withdrawn by a decision between me and my tutor, though I was given ‘grace grades’ by the exam boards, which mean up to the point I dropped out I had 1 B and 2 C’s in grades, so they allowed me to finish my courses on these grades, they mean A Levels to everyone but University.

I now have a full time job working in a care home called Ruishton Court and I haven’t looked back since, it keeps me busy, I earn a wage that allows me to move from a place where I’ve been unhappy for a while. The work though sometimes it’s a little off I find oddly satisfying, I enjoy the company of all but one person I work with and I’ve learned that sometimes even a smile from one resident can make the worst day or the deepest down moment disappear. I sometimes wish I’d done this sooner.

As to the reason I need to get myself an internet connection is that I’m moving house on Monday - 20th August, I’ll take pictures as soon as we’re all moved in.

So all in all my life seems to have sorted itself, I’m happy, settled and for the first time in recent years I’ve found who I am without having to rely on another person to help define me.

All in all I’m not sure I changed myself, but I’m pretty certain I’ve changed my outlook in life and where I stand.

I hope you are all good, and for everyone who got their exam results today I hope you got everything you wanted and needed, if you did congratulations!!!!! And if you didn’t get quite what you wanted, keep smiling and make someone’s day.

In my art and writing I've got loads of stuff to upload the minute I get time!!

~~Wow!!!! that was the longest journal I've ever written!!

~Becky~

Fave pieces of art on dA at the moment!!!


It's called Sequin Wrists by ~Soda-Dreamer

and


This one is called Stalemate by *Myar